GIFT   OF 

J-S>-~\c-  -V         H  - 


-3. 


HENRY'S 
GLASS  EYE 
STORY 


SEE 
GOOD 

BETTER 
BE- 


To  folks  with  grey  matter, 

who  have  had  experiences  with 

sickness,  doctors  and  healing  friends, 

and  who  would  like  to  learn 

how  to  enjoy  misery, 
this  booklet  is  comradely  dedicated  by 


mark 


Copyrighted,  1920,  by  Leroy  Henry. 


HENRY'S 
GLASS  EYE   STORY 

Read  before  the  Cranks'  Convention  on 
Freedom  Hill,  September,  1918. 

I  have  a  glass  eye.  And  since  we  are 
friends  and  interested  in  each  other,  you 
are  interested  in  my  glass  eye.  So  I  will 
tell  you  about  it.  And  if  you  will  listen  to 
my  glass-eye  story,  I  will  listen  to  your 
tale  of  woe  the  next  time  something  hap- 
pens to  you.  My  glass  eye  is  a  new  one 
of  the  reformed  style.  I  bought  it  at  a 
regular  glass-eye  store  and  paid  cash  for 
it.  Later  I  will  explain  how  I  happened 
to  have  enough  money  left  to  buy  a  glass 
eye,  after  incurring  the  expense  of  getting 
rid  of  the  old  one. 

During  the  last  Cranks'  Convention  my 
eye  became  affected.  I  consulted  a  couple 
of  eye  specialists.  They  told  me  the  name 
of  the  disease,  which  eased  it  some,  and 
gave  me  medicine  to  use  on  it  which  eased 
it  more.  It  soon  became  about  well,  ap- 
parently. But  later  it  became  worse.  Then 
I  took  a  hike  with  some  friends  into  the 


415012 


si  an&'A&at  apparently  made  it 
very  bad.  In  speaking  of  medical  things 
I  have  to  use  the  word  "apparently"  quite 
often  in  order  to  be  truthful.  In  medical 
practice  only  two  things  are  known  with 
certainty:  One  is,  sulphur  will  cure  the 
itch — sometimes;  and  the  other,  castor  oil 
will  physic — generally. 

It  was  foolish  for  me  to  take  the  hike 
under  the  circumstances.  My  reason  said 
I  shouldn't.  But  my  life  is  not  governed 
by  reason.  It  is  governed  by — well  if  I 
understand  the  matter  right,  my  life  IB 
governed  by  desires  and  emotions  and  pas- 
sions. I  don't  do  what  my  reason  tells 
me  is  best,  but  what  my  feelings  and  de- 
sires direct  me  as  most  pleasant  for  the 
time  being.  So  my  life  is  governed  by  the 
same  things  that  yours  are,  which  accounts 
for  my  doing  so  many  foolish  things. 

I  once  saw  an  advertisement  of  a  book 
entitled,  "The  Rational  Iiife."  I  bought 
the  book,  but  I  have  not  yet  been  con- 
verted to  its  teachings.  I  am  convinced 
in  my  head  that  I  ought  to  live  the  ra- 
tional life.  But  my  head  is  so  loosely  con- 
nected with  the  balance  of  my  body,  that 
my  body  daesn't  pay  much  attention  to 
what  my  head  thinks. 

Before  changing  my  life  I  have  to  have 
my  heart  converted  as  well  as  my  head 
convinced.  In  fact,  it  is  not  important 
about  the  head  being  convinced.  If  my 
heart  is  converted  I  will  change  my  life 


without  consulting  my  head.  Some  ration- 
alist ought  to  hold  a  revival  meeting  in 
Billy  Sunday's  Tabernacle  and  convert 
people  to  the  rational  life — hypnotize  them 
into  hitting  the  rational  trail;  and  then 
they  would  do  more  rational  things  and 
fewer  foolish  ones.  I  need  to  be  the 
first  trail  hitter. 

The  second  day  after  I  returned  from 
the  hike,  my  eye  became  so  bad  that  I  had 
to  stay  in  a  dark  room  in  the  day  time  and 
sleep  at  night  with  my  eyes  shut.  The 
sore  eye  became  blind,  and  the  well  one 
was  sympathetically  affected  and  was  so 
sensitive  to  the  light  that  I  had  to  cover 
both  eyes  with  dark  blinds  when  I  walked 
out  in  the  daylight. 

At  this  time  I  was  at  home  and  I  re- 
ported my  condition  to  the  doctor  and  he 
sent  me  medicine  and  directions.  I  let  the 
case  rest  in  the  hands  of  my  physician  and 
his  partner.  They  having  made  a  study 
of  eye  troubles  for  years,  I  supposed  they 
knew  more  about  the  case  than  myself  or 
friends  who  had  not  made  a  special  study 
of  the  subject.  But  I  was  soon  told  of  my 
mistake. 

The  more  one  studies  a  subject,  the  more 
he  realizes  how  little  he  knows.  And  the 
less  one  studies  a  subject,  the  more  he 
thinks  he  knows  about  it.  The  more  you 
know,  the  less  you  think  you  know;  and 
the  less  you  know,  the  more  you  think  you 
know.  If  you  would  be  wise  on  a  subject, 


read  only  one  book  about  it.  Then  you 
will  know  all  about  it.  If  you  read  a  sec- 
ond book  you  will  find  it  contradicts  some 
of  the  teachings  of  the  first  book,  and  then 
you  will  not  be  sure  which  to  believe.  If 
you  read  a  dozen  books  on  the  subject,  you 
will  find  nearly  everything  in  any  one  book 
contradicted  by  one  or  more  of  the  other 
books,  and  then  you  will  be  sure  of  but 
little.  The  more  you  learn  the  less  you 
know. 

The  man  who  has  read  only  "Nature 
Cure  in  a  Nutshell"  by  Dr.  Egotism,  knows 
all  about  curing  eye  troubles  and  stomach 
troubles  and  liver  troubles  and  all  other 
troubles  of  the  physical  body.  In  order  to 
learn  how  to  cure  domestic  troubles,  one 
has  to  read  "How  to  Be  Happy  Though 
Married,"  by  A  Drummer.  But  we  are 
dealing  now  with  physical  troubles. 

The  man  who  has  read  a  library  of  medi- 
cal books  and  constantly  practiced  their 
remedies  for  years,  knows  but  little  about 
curing  eye  troubles  or  any  other  troubles. 
The  more  you  know  about  a  subject  the 
more  liberal  and  tolerant  you  are.  The  less 
you  know,  the  more  dogmatic  and  intol- 
erant you  are.  Intolerance  exists  with 
ignorance;  tolerance  comes  through  knowl- 
edge. 

After  spending  one  month  at  home,  I 
moved  to  the  city  where  I  could  be  led 
daily  to  the  doctors'  office  for  treatment. 
In  the  city  my  friends  visited  me  and  one 


by  one,  began  to  tell  me  of  their  eye  reme- 
dies. One  insisted  that  I  drop  my  ignorant 
doctors  and  try  his  sure  cure  remedy,  and 
I  would  soon  be  well.  Of  course,  my  healing 
friends  were  right.  I  now  realize  as  never 
before  that  everybody  knows  that  a  man 
who  has  attended  medical  school  for  three 
or  four  years,  and  practiced  and  studied 
for  ten  or  twenty  years,  cannot  possibly 
know  as  much  about  curing  sore  eyes  as 
the  man  who  has  carefully  read  Ayer's 
Almanac,  or  taken  a  three  months'  course 
in  chiropractic,  or  read  a  popular  book  on 
nature  cure,  or  experimented  with  Epsom 
salts.  So  my  wise,  healing  friends,  who 
knew  more  than  the  doctors,  and  who  were 
sincerely  interested  in  my  welfare,  began 
to  offer  me  remedies,  freely,  unselfishly, 
wishing  to  do  me  good. 

One  suggested  liver  poultices;  another 
emphasized  Epsom  salts;  another  advised 
hot  applications;  another  cold  applications; 
another  white  of  egg  poultices;  another 
cold  baths;  another  chiropractic;  another 
Christian  science;  another  zone  therapy. 
And  still  another  told  me  when  I  had 
failed  everywhere  else  to  come  to  her  and 
she  would  cure  me. 

It  is  surprising  how  many  people  have 
missed  their  proper  calling.  Most  doctors 
should  not  have  been  doctors  because  they 
don't  know  anything  about  healing  peo- 
ple. And  most  people  who  are  not  doctors 
should  have  been  doctors  because  they 


know  so  much  about  healing.  When  I  am 
elected  to  the  legislature  I  shall  pass  a  law 
permitting  any  and  everybody  to  practice 
medicine.  And  after  that,  it  will  be  only 
a  short  time  until  sickness  will  be  no 
more.  The  vast  amount  of  healing  knowl- 
edge and  power  of  our  fond  friends  will 
be  turned  loose,  the  regular  doctors  will  bB 
run  out  of  business,  the  undertakers  will 
starve  to  death,  and  graveyard  investments 
will  not  pay  a  dividend. 

I  wanted  to  please  every  one  of  my 
friends.  It  is  more  pleasant  to  say  yes 
than  no,  and  I  wanted  to  try  every  one 
of  their  remedies  to  please  them  and  keep 
up  a  continued  pleasant  relationship  be- 
tween them  and  myself.  And  doubtless  I 
would  have  done  so  except  for  one  reason 
— I  had  nine  remedies  offered  me  and  only 
one  sick  eye  to  experiment  on.  With  my 
limited  knowledge  of  arithmetic  I  could 
not  figure  out  how  I  could  cure  one  sick 
eye  with  nine  separate  remedies.  But 
something  had  to  be  done.  I  couldn't  af- 
ford to  take  chances  of  offending  my 
good  friends,  which  I  would  be  doing  if 
I  didn't  try  all  their  remedies.  And  if  I 
used  the  remedy  of  one  of  the  nine  and 
not  the  other  eight,  I  would  thereby  con- 
firm the  friendship  of  the  one,  but  offend 
the  eight.  And  if  I  tried  aU  their  reme- 
dies it  might  offend  my  poor  sick  eye. 

Oh!  How  I  wished  for  ten  eyes,  one 
well  one  and  nine  sick  ones  that  I  might 


try  every  one  of  their  remedies!  It  would 
have  strengthened  our  friendship  as 
nothing  else  would.  When  I  was  in  col- 
lege, one  of  my  teachers  said  there  were 
two  ways  of  making  and  holding  friends. 
One  way  was  to  do  a  favor  to  the  other 
fellow,  and  the  other  way  was  to  let  the 
other  fellow  do  a  favor  to  you.  Here  I 
had  nine  valuable  opportunities  of  friend- 
ship offered  me,  and  only  one  eye  to  ac- 
cept them,  and  that  one  eye  was  already 
engaged  to  a  couple  of  physicians.  If  I 
had  had  nine  sick  eyes  I  would  have  poul- 
ticed one  of  them  with  liver,  slice  after 
slice  of  fresh  beef  liver.  Another  I  would 
have  bathed  freely  with  Epsom  salts  solu- 
tion, and  kept  on  it  a  cloth  wet  with  Epsom 
salts.  On  another  I  would  have  kept  a 
poultice  of  white  of  egg.  To  another  I 
would  have  applied  a  hot  fomentation 
seven  times  a  day.  To  another,  cold  appli- 
cations most  of  the  time.  For  another  eye 
located  back  of  my  left  ear  I  would  have 
tried  cold  packs  to  my  body  and  legs.  And 
for  another  eye  at  the  back  of  my  head 
I  would  have  tried  chiropractic  spinal  ad- 
justments. And  for  the  eye  in  the  center 
of  my  forehead  I  would  have  tried  Chris- 
tian science.  And  for  the  ninth  I  would 
have  pinched  my  fingers  with  zone  therapy. 
And  when  my  nine  eyes  were  all  thor- 
oughly blind  I  would  have  gone  to  a  sur- 
geon and  had  them  all  removed  at  one 
operation,  having  one  good  eye  left  to  en- 


joy  looking  at  my  friends  when  visiting 
them. 

Sometime  when  I  am  in  the  proper  mood 
I  am  going  to  invent  a  new  method  of 
healing — a  method  more  foolish,  if  pos- 
sible, than  any  method  known  at  present. 
I  am  not  sure  that  I  am  smart  enough,  or 
should  I  say,  foolish  enough,  to  do  it.  I 
would  like  to  see  a  method  tried  tliat  was 
more  remote  from  reason,  sense  and 
science  than  any  present  system.  Judging 
from  the  success  of  other  systems  I  think 
my  new  system  will  become  very  popular; 
and  also  profitable  to  the  undertaker.  Most 
people  can  be  convinced  that  black  is 
white  if  you  argue  the  question  strong 
enough  and  long  enough.  Ignorance  makes 
a  fertile  field  for  proselyting. 

Dr.  Abrams  has  said — but  I  should  not 
quote  him  as  a  doctor  because  doctors  do 
not  know  anything — Mr.  Abrams  has  said 
that  in  treating  a  case  we  need  to  know 
not  only  what  disease  the  patient  has,  but 
also  what  patient  the  disease  has.  It  is 
not  simply  a  question  of  treating  a  certain 
disease  but  of  treating  the  patient,  taking 
into  consideration  the  condition  of  his 
whole  body  and  mind.  If  a  man  has  in- 
herited a  poor  constitution,  lived  unhy- 
gienically,  has  poor  digestion,  a  worn-out 
liver,  weak  kidneys,  constipated  bowels, 
his  flesh  filled  with  waste  matter,  and 
his  blood  saturated  with  impurities,  and 
he  gets  inflamation  of  the  eye,  he  would 


be  a  hard  case  to  cure.  He  might  apply 
liver  to  his  eye  for  three  months,  or  take 
chiropractic  adjustments  for  two  months, 
or  apply  a  barrel  of  Epsom  salts  to  his  eye, 
or  use  three  dozen  white-of-egg  poultices, 
or  use  hot  fomentations  till  his  eye  was 
dene,  or  cold  applications  for  seven  weeks, 
or  cold  packs  all  winter,  or  ninety  dollars' 
worth  of  Christian  science,  or  as  much  zone 
therapy  as  ho  could  stand,  and  his  eye 
would  grow  worse  till  it  became  blind  and 
useless  and  dangerous. 

On  the  other  hand  if  a  man  has  inherited 
a  good  constitution,  has  lived  a  simple, 
healthful  life,  has  good  digestion,  active 
liver  and  kidneys,  flesh  free  from  waste 
matter,  abundant  internal  secretions,  good 
circulation,  pure  blood  and  optimistic  out- 
look, and  he  should  get  an  inflamed  eye,  his 
eye  could  be  cured  with  one  application  of 
beef  liver,  or  with  one  dram  of  Epscm  salts* 
or  with  one  good  hot  application,  or  half 
a  cold  application,  or  the  white  of  one  egg, 
or  a  couple  of  cold  baths,  or  one  chiro- 
practic adjustment,  or  an  absent  Christian 
science  treatment,  or  one  good  pinch  of  the 
fingers,  or  by  doing  nothing  at  all  for  a 
day  or  two.  It  is  not  simply  a  question 
of  disease,  but  chiefly  a  question  of  condi- 
tion of  the  patient. 

All  sore  eyes  may  look  alike  to  you  and 
for  all  of  them  you  may  prescribe  the  same 
kind  of  treatment.  But  to  the  eye  special- 
ist a  plexiform  neuro-fibroma  is  different 


from  an  ankylo  blepharon.  Beef  liver 
might  cure  one  while  the  other  might  re- 
quire Christian  science,  or  maybe  devilish 
science.  To  the  eye  specialist  there  is  a 
difference  of  condition  and  of  treatment 
between  lachrymal  ophthalmia  and  lithiasis 
conjunctivae,  between  phlyctenular  kera- 
titus  and  spastic  mydriasis.  I  mention 
these  names  of  eye  diseases  to  let  you 
know  that  doctors  know  a  lot  of  horrible 
words  even  if  they  haven't  a  sure  cure  for 
them. 

I  am  not  unaware  that  some  of  our  in- 
fallible health  books  teach  us  that  there 
is  only  one  disease,  impurity,  and  only  one 
cure,  purification.  That  is  about  as  simply 
and  truthfully  told  as  a  medical  education 
could  be  told  in  one  sentence.  It  is  very 
well  adapted  to  the  one  who  has  time  to 
read  only  one  book.  But  nature  is  not  so 
simple,  brief  and  plain.  When  the  Lord 
and  Darwin  created  the  world  and  estab- 
lished its  laws  they  had  not  read  any  of 
our  modern,  simple,  nutshell  books  on  the 
laws  of  disease  and  cure.  And  in  their 
ignorance  they  got  things  so  mixed  up 
that  a  whole  library  of  medical  books  can 
not  straighten  out  all  the  tangles.  I  think 
if  they  were  now  building  another  world, 
they  could  do  much  better  by  simplifying 
things  to  fit  our  capacity. 

My  relationship  with  my  friends  who  of- 
fered me  remedies  has  not  been  altogether 
pleasant  on  either  side.  I  was  grieved 


that  I  could  not  use  all  their  remedies. 
And  they  were  grieved  that  I  did  not  use 
them  and  thus  get  cured  quickly.  But  all 
unpleasantness  works  for  good  in  some 
way.  In  fact  I  think  all  things  work  for 
good,  including  the  pleasant  ones.  But  it 
is  sure  that  the  unpleasant  ones  do,  so  we 
may  always  rejoice  when  something  bad 
happens,  because  we  know  some  good  will 
come  from  it.  And  in  this  case  the  un- 
pleasantness between  myself  and  friends 
has  benefited  me  by  giving  me  a  clearer 
understanding  of  human  nature.  So  the 
next  time  I  will  not  be  so  easily  grieved 
at  the  friendly  intolerance  of  my  good 
friends  who  want  to  do  me  good.  It  is 
simply  a  fact  in  nature — in  human  nature 
— that  most  people  are  not  able  to  look 
at  their  own  ideas  with  the  same  glasses 
that  they  look  at  other  people's  ideas.  We 
look  at  our  own  ideas  with  a  microscope 
and  we  find  them  large  and  broad  and  far 
superior  to  any  others.  We  look  at  other 
people's  ideas  with  smoked  glasses,  and 
we  find  them  dim,  narrow,  crooked,  and  of 
little  consequence.  Please  understand  I 
am  not  finding  fault.  It  is  all  right  and 
it  is  the  proper  way  for  us  to  do  until  we 
learn  better.  If  we  didn't  have  the  con- 
ceit machine  that  the  Lord  installed  in  the 
white  matter  of  our  brain  we  would  find 
but  little  enjoyment  in  life.  With  our  con- 
ceit, wo  can  enjoy  all  our  ignorance  believ- 
ing it  to  be  knowledge.  The  other  fellow's 


knowledge  we  call  ignorance.  When  we 
really  get  knowledge  we  can  enjoy  it,  and 
tlien  we  will  not  need  conceit  any  longer 
and  we  can  bury  it  in  Freedom  Hill  ceme- 
tery, or  some  other  cemetery. 

And  my  friends  who  were  grieved  that 
I  did  not  follow  their  advice  were  bene- 
fited, too.  They  did  what  they  thought 
was  the  right  thing  to  do,  and  that  is  what 
we  should  always  do.  Their  consciences 
are  clear.  And  their  uneasiness  caused  by 
my  not  taking  their  advice  will  help  them 
to  learn  that  they  should  not  worry 
whether  I  take  their  advice  or  not.  Every 
unpleasantness  that  comes  to  us  is  to  teach 
us  something  that  we  need  to  know.  And 
the  friend  who  was  annoyed  that  I  did 
not  try  his  cure  needs  to  learn  that  he  is 
not  responsible  for  what  I  do.  After  he 
freely  offers  me  his  cure  then  the  burden 
rests  with  me.  He  needs  to  learn  that  I 
have  a  right  to  be  sick,  a  long  time,  and 
go  blind,  and  maybe  go  dead.  That's  my 
business  and  not  his,  and  he  shouldn't 
worry  about  it.  My  friends  do  not  know 
whether  I  ought  to  have  two  eyes  or  one 
eye  or  no  eye.  And  they  should  not  worry 
about  the  number  I  have.  It  is  always 
safe  to  let  the  other  fellow  do  his  own 
worrying. 

My  nine  healing  friends  can  have  the 
pleasure  of  saying  "I  told  you  so."  Each 
one  of  them  knows  that  if  I  had  taken  his 
advice  and  let  the  doctors  alone  I  would 


now  have  two  good  eyes.  And  each  of  tiio 
nine  probably  also  knows  that  if  I  had 
taken  the  advice  of  any  of  the  other  eight 
instead  of  his  own,  I  would  not  now  have 
even  one  good  eye.  I  am  content;  and  my 
friends  will  have  to  "bear  with  it  the  best 
they  can.  I  once  heard  a  story  of  a  younj 
doctor  who  went  to  attend  his  first  con- 
finement case.  One  of  his  college  profes- 
sors met  him  later  and  asked  him  how  he 
got  along  with  the  case.  And  he  an- 
swered, "I  got  along  very  well;  the  baby 
is  dead,  and  the  mother  will  not  live,  but 
I  think  I  can  save  the  father." 

My  problem  is  to  save  my  friends  from 
grieving  over  the  loss  of  my  eye.  For 
their  comfort  I  would  raise  the  question, 
is  the  loss  really  a  loss  or  is  it  a  gain? 
Who  is  wise  enough  to  answer?  Maybe 
with  one  glass  eye  and  one  honest  eye  I 
can  better  see  the  truth  about  life  and 
duty  and  service  and  my  proper  relation- 
ship with  my  neighbors,  and  think  better 
thoughts.  I  am  not  wise  enough  to  tell. 
To  answer  these  questions  will  require  a 
person  who  understands  the  laws  of  the 
universe  better  than  I  do,  and  who  under- 
stands the  purpose  of  sickness  in  the 
scheme  of  life,  and  the  purpose  of  life 
itself.  This  world  with  its  institutions  of 
pain  and  picnics,  sickness  and  health,  joy 
and  sorrow,  was  created  by  a  wiser  head 
than  mine.  I  am  allowed  to  criticise  the 
governor  and  the  president,  but  I  don't 


feel  inclined  to  criticise  the  Creator  for 
fear  I  might  afterward  find  out  I  was  mis- 
taken and  He  right. 

The  difficulty  is  that  my  friends  do  not 
understand  that  I  am  a  peculiar  crank. 
Nature  has  made  an  entirely  different  set 
of  laws  and  regulations  for  me;  just  for 
me  alone  and  not  applicable  to  any  of 
you.  I  am  governed  by  a  peculiar  mys- 
tical system;  a  system  that  is  invisible,  in- 
tangible, undemonstratable,  unprovable, 
and  unbelievable.  I  am  especially  pro- 
tected by  the  gods,  so  that  no  harm  can 
come  to  me.  Nothing  ever  happens  to  me 
but  what  I  deserve.  I  never  get  stung  un- 
less I  go  too  close  to  a  wasp's  nest.  I 
never  get  sick  unless  I  need  to.  Nobody 
is  ever  unjust  to  me.  Nobody  steals 
anything  from  me  but  what  I  can  get 
along  without.  I  never  lose  an  eye  that 
I  have  to  have.  People  who  don't  pay 
what  they  owe  me,  suffer  for  it  more 
than  I  do.  I  never  have  any  bad  luck.  My 
luck  is  all  horseshoe  luck.  I  carry  a  horse- 
shoe in  my  head  where  most  people  carry 
horse  sense.  My  friends  do  not  under- 
stand me.  Because  they  have  bad  luck 
and  have  terrible  things  happen  to  them, 
that  ought  not  happen,  they  imagine  I  am 
subject  to  the  same  misfortunes.  They 
don't  know  that  nature  has  provided  an 
entirely  different  set  of  laws  for  my  gov- 
ernment. If  any  of  them  would  like  to 
transfer  their  allegiance  from  their  un- 


lucky,  haphazard,  uncertain  government, 
to  my  peculiar  and  special  laws  of  life 
that  are  certain  and  always  just,  I  am 
willing  to  pray  for  them  at  Christian 
Science  prices. 

Some  remedies  in  order  to  be  effective 
must  be  begun  early  enough.  Henry  Ward 
Beecher,  when  asked  to  give  directions  how 
a  young  man  might  succeed  in  life,  said 
that  the  first  thing  a  young  man  should 
do  who  wished  to  succeed,  was  to  choose 
the  right  parents.  We  see  the  importance 
of  his  advice.  But  probably  we  would  not 
need  to  begin  so  early  to  cure  a  sore  eye. 
If  I  had  begun  taking  cold  baths  three  or 
four  years  ago;  or  begun  taking  chiro- 
practic two  years  ago;  or  Christian  Science 
a  year  and  a  half  ago;  I  might  have  got- 
ten my  system  in  such  good  condition  that 
a  sore  eye  could  have  been  cured  by  any- 
thing. Or,  possibly  the  eye  would  not  have 
gotten  sore.  But  I  am  only  a  human  being 
and  do  not  plan  so  far  ahead.  After  the 
horse  is  stolen  I  lock  the  barn  door. 

I  can  not  see  with  my  glass  eye.  It  is 
not  for  me  to  look  with  but  for  you  to 
look  at.  I  was  not  fooled  in  buying  it.  I 
knew  when  I  bought  it  that  it  was  totally 
blind  and  that  I  could  never  see  with  it. 
I  can  not  see  you  with  it;  but  you  can  see 
me  with  it.  In  fact  I  bought  it  chiefly 
for  your  benefit.  You  like  to  look  at  beau- 
tiful things,  and  a  glass  eye  is  more  beau- 
tiful than  an  empty  socket.  But  I  didn't 


buy  it  wholly  for  your  benefit.  I  bought 
it  partly  to  fool  you,  for  my  own  pleasure. 
When  you  see  that  cavity  occupied  by  a 
glass  eye,  it  gives  you  a  better  impression 
of  me.  It  gives  you  the  impression  that 
perhaps  other  cavities  are  occupied  also 
by  something;  that  my  stomach  has  food 
in  it;  that  my  pocket  is  filled  with  money; 
that  my  skull  has  brains  in  it;  and  that 
my  heart  is  filled  with  kindliness.  Whereas, 
if  you  saw  that  eye  socket  empty  you 
might  think  that  these  other  cavities  were 
also  empty.  I  would  feel  very  badly  to 
have  you  think  that.  I  want  you  to  think 
that  I  have  money,  that  I  have  kindli- 
ness, that  I  have  brains,  and  that  I  have 
some  other  things  that  I  have  not  got. 
And  therefore  I  wear  a  glass  eye,  hoping 
to  deceive  you. 

I  may  as  well  confess  to  you  that  a  great 
deal  of  my  life  is  sham,  trying  to  deceive 
other  people  and  have  them  think  well  of 
me.  When  I  go  out  in  company,  I  wash 
my  face  and  hands  to  make  people  believe 
my  whole  body  is  clean.  At  a  cafeteria  I 
fill  up  my  tray  to  make  people  believe  I 
can  afford  to  live  well.  I  try  to  say  smart 
things  in  company  to  make  people  think 
I  am  really  smart.  I  read  the  popular 
novels  to  make  people  believe  I  am  lit- 
erary. Occasionally  I  say  Darwin  or  vibra- 
tion or  molecule  to  give  the  impression 
that  I  am  scientific.  I  say  Jesus  or  hell  to 
make  people  think  I  am  religious.  And  I 


tell  what  I  heard  in  Honolulu  or  Mexico 
to  make  people  think  I  have  traveled.  The 
meaning  of  the  word  honesty  has  not  en- 
tered my  heart.  It  has  only  gotten  into 
the  front  of  my  skull  and  plays  between 
there  and  the  tip  of  my  tongue. 

But  I  wonder  if  I  succeed  in  fooling  you. 
Possibly  you  know  I  am  only  shamming 
just  like — just  like — well  there  was  never" 
anything  like  it  before  with  which  to  com- 
pare it.  I  am  the  original  and  only  gen- 
uine humbug — present  company  excepted. 

You  cannot  imagine  the  many  advan- 
tages of  a  glass  eye.  One  of  my  friends 
wrote  me  that  a  glass  eye  was  valuable  fot 
looking  at  unpleasantness  in  people  and 
things.  If  I  can  learn  to  uss  only  my  glass 
eye  in  looking  for  faults  and  meanness  in 
people,  I  shall  not  be  able  to  find  any  im- 
perfections in  them  and  shall  think  more 
highly  of  them.  If  I  uso  my  glass  eye 
enough  I  will  become  a  Christian  Scientist. 
A  good  Christian  Scientist  does  not  see 
any  evil,  nor  sickness  nor  poverty,  nor  any 
kind  of  unpleasantness.  My  glass  eye  is 
a  very  good  Christian  Science  eye.  When 
I  look  for  anything  I  don't  want  to  see, 
I  shall  look  for  it  with  my  glass  eye.  When 
I  look  for  something  I  want  to  see,  I  shall 
use  my  honest  eye. 

Sunny  Jim  tells  a  story  of  a  captain  on 
a  ship  who  was  told  by  one  of  his  officers 
during  a  battle  that  their  admiral's  ship  was 
flying  the  signal  to  retreat;  at  which  the 


captain  put  up  his  spy  glass  to  his  glass 
eye  and  looked  at  the  admiral's  ship  for 
the  retreat  signal.  He  turned  to  his  officer 
and  said,  "I  see  no  signal  to  retreat.  Go 
on  with  the  fight."  This  they  did  and 
won  a  great  victory. 

Since  I  have  learned  the  great  advantage 
of  having  a  glass  eye,  I  am  thinking  of  get- 
ting a  glass  ear,  and  a  glass  tongue,  and 
then  I  shall  have  a  complete  Christian 
Science  outfit.  Then  when  my  friends  be- 
gin to  tell  me  about  the  meanness  of  their 
neighbors  and  enemies,  I  shall  close  my 
honest  ear  and  turn  my  glass  ear  to  them 
and  I  shall  hear  no  evil.  With  my  glass 
tongue  I  can  speak  no  evil.  I  shall  then 
be  as  harmless  and  happy  as  the  three 
little  terra  cotta  monkeys  you  have  seen 
in  the  shops,  who  could  see  no  evil,  hear 
no  evil,  speak  no  evil. 

If  you  knew  the  advantages  of  glass- 
ware, you  would  all  buy  glass  eyes  and 
glass  ears  and  glass  tongues,  and  become 
Christian  Scientists.  I  would  especially  like 
that  some  of  my  visitors  should  provide 
their  mouths  with  glass  tongues.  And  for 
their  own  protection  they  could  bring  along 
glass  ears. 

After  my  eyes  were  well,  I  asked  my 
doctors  how  much  I  owed  them,  and  they 
said  that  I  owed  them  nothing.  This  was 
a  sign  that  they  were  not  treating  me  for 
my  money  but  for  my  eye.  When  they 
etherized  me  and  removed  the  useless  eye, 


they  did  not  at  the  same  time  remove  my 
purse.  Even  doctors  possess  some  good 
traits.  In  fact  doctors  would  be  fairly 
respectable  if  there  were  not  so  many 
people  who  are  wiser  than  they  about  heal- 
ing. The  trouble  with  doctors  is  that  they 
have  read  so  much  medical  literature  that 
they  don't  know  anything;  while  some 
other  people  have  read  so  little  that  they 
know  it  all.  Neither  did  my  nurse  charge 
anything  for  her  services.  And  now  you 
see  why  I  had  enough  money  left  after 
getting  well,  to  buy  a  glass  eye. 

There  is  a  reason  for  most  every  thing 
under  the  sun,  and  perhaps  the  reason  my 
nurse  charged  me  nothing,  was  because  I 
once  nursed  her  through  a  severe  sickness 
and  did  not  charge  her.  And  the  winter 
before  I  was  sick,  I  had  treated  one  of 
my  doctors  and  did  not  charge  him.  As 
far  as  I  know  I  had  never  done  anything 
for  my  other  doctor.  But  maybe  I  shall 
have  a  chance  to,  in  the  future,  and  thus 
get  even  with  him. 

My  case  is  an  evidence  to  the  doctrine 
that  ws  get  treated  as  we  treat  others. 
Of  course  you  who  are  wiser  than  I,  know 
that  this  is  not  always  true.  But  if  I 
were  making  a  world  and  colonising  it 
with  human  beings,  I  would  arrange 
matters  so  that  every  man  would  be  re- 
warded for  every  good  thing  he  did  and 
punished  for  every  mean  thing.  Every 
kindly  act  or  thought  that  we  extend 


toward  another  person  or  thing  should  re- 
ceive its  reward,  and  every  malicious 
though  or  act  should  be  punished.  As  we 
treat  others,  so  should  we  be  treated,  and 
I  would  make  the  arrangements  so  sure 
and  solid  that  no  one  could  escape  reaping 
what  he  had  sown  by  running  off  to  Canada 
cr  Mexico,  or  by  joining  the  masons  or  the 
church. 

This  doctrine  is  similar  to  the  doctrine 
of  the  man  who  sings  through  the  grapho- 
phone  and  says: 

"I  never  done  nothin'  to  nobody, 

"I  never  got  nothin'  from  nobody,  no 
time, 

"And  until  I  get  somethin*  from  some- 
body, sometime, 

"I  don't  intend  to  do  nothin'  for  no- 
body, no  time." 

When  I  get  my  world  made  and  in  good 
running  order,  so  that  everybody  is  sure  to 
get  his  reward,  then  nobody  will  ever  hesi- 
tate to  be  good  to  everybody  else,  because 
he  will  be  sure  of  his  reward,  and  no  one 
will  ever  dare  be  mean  to  anybody  else, 
because  he  will  be  sure  of  his  punish- 
ment. 

Then  the  graphophone  man  will  not  hesi- 
tate about  doing  good  to  somebody  else 
first,  instead  of  waiting  for  the  other  fel- 
low to  begin  it. 

Before  getting  my  glass  eye,  the  two 
empty  eyelids  looked  lean  and  hungry  and 
lonesome.  They  looked  like  two  hungry 


jaws  with  nothing  to  eat;  or,  to  use  a  more 
poetic  figure  of  speech,  they  looked  like 
two  lips  with  nothing  to  kiss,  or  two  arms 
with  nothing  to  hug.  They  looked  starved 
and  empty  and  cheerless.  But  now,  that  they 
have  a  glass  eye  to  love  and  caress  and 
warm,  they  look  more  contented  and  hap- 
pier. Eyelids,  like  human  beings,  need 
something  to  love — anything.  It  is  inter- 
esting to  note  what  some  people  can  love. 
I  knew  a  woman  in  Indiana  who  loved  a 
dirty,  little  dog.  And  I  heard  of  another 
one  who  hugged  a  pillow  at  night  for  want 
of  something  "batter.  If  I  were  prescribing 
for  a  patient  who  was  troubled  with  con- 
stant leanness  and  chronic  hunger,  general 
dissatisfiedness  and  everlasting  pessimism, 
I  would  prescribe  love  powders,  one  dose 
three  times  a  day  until  the  patient  fell  in 
love  with  something — with  some  cause,  or 
work,  or  some  theory,  or  even  with  a  dog 
or  a  human.  A  good  case  of  love  will 
fill  out  wasted  muscle,  brighten  the  eyes, 
raise  the  corners  of  the  mouth,  stimulate 
the  liver  and  the  spleen,  hasten  the  circu- 
lation, and  replenish  lost  energy.  It  will 
limber  stiff  joints  and  stiffen  limber  backs. 
It  gives  a  woman  the  comfortable  sup- 
porting feeling  that  is  given  by  a  good 
corset.  It  fills  an  old  man  with  the  sportive 
energy  of  a  twenty-two-year  old. 

My  healing  friends  who  offered  me  rem- 
edies, I  am  now  sure  are  my  friends.  They 
are  reliable,  dependable  friends.  It  is 


sometimes  handy  to  know  who  your  gen- 
uine friends  are.  I  now  know  who  to  de- 
pend upon  in  case  of  trouble.  I  now 
know  who  to  ask  to  lend  me  fifty  cents  to 
buy  a  French  dinner,  or  to  help  me  dig 
fish  worms  to  go  fishing.  If  I  get  sick 
again  I  know  who  to  invite  to  visit  me,  to 
read  to  me  or  to  render  any  other  service 
that  I  may  need. 

My  friends  who  did  not  offer  me  a  remedy 
I  shall  hereafter  look  upon  with  suspicion. 
Either  they  are  not  genuine  friends  inter- 
ested in  my  welfare,  or  they  did  not  know 
a  remedy  for  sore  eyes,  or  they  were  will- 
ing to  give  me  the  freedom  to  do  as  I 
pleased  about  my  eyes  and  remedies  and 
doctors. 

If  they  are  false  friends,  their  falsity 
will  rest  upon  their  own  heads  and  not  up- 
on mine.  Emerson  says  that  nobody  can 
hurt  us  but  ourselves;  and  Emerson  is 
about  as  good  authority  as  Paul.  So  the 
falsity  of  friends  can  not  hurt  me.  As 
long  as  I  honestly  love  them  I  am  safe. 
If  I  am  false  to  them,  or  fail  to  love 
them,  I  injure  myself.  It  is  not  the  eye 
remedies  offered  that  hurts  my  eye,  but 
the  remedies  I  accept  and  use.  We  suffer 
only  for  the  advise  we  take  and  not  for 
the  advice  offered  us. 

If  my  friends  who  did  not  offer  me  a 
remedy,  failed  to  do  so  because  they  didn't 
know  any,  then  they  are  to  be  excused. 
Some  people  have  one  kind  of  talent  and 


some,  another.  Possibly  these  remedy- 
lacking  friends  are  wise  in  other  directions. 
When  I  lose  my  fortune,  possibly  they  may 
tell  me  how  to  get  on  my  feet  again,  and 
thus  show  a  genuine  interest  in  my  wel- 
fare. 

If  they  failed  to  offer  a  remedy  for 
the  reason  that  they  were  willing  to  let 
me  do  as  I  pleased  with  my  own  eye,  then 
they  are  to  be  excused  for  their  seeming 
neglect.  Possibly  they  thought  that  by 
letting  me  follow  my  own  course,  I  would 
thereby  learn  the  folly  of  my  way.  Ex- 
perience is  the  great  teacher  in  life.  And 
if  we  were  kept  in  the  straight  and  pain- 
less way  by  the  advice  of  our  friends,  we 
would  miss  the  valuable  experiences  of  the 
by-ways  and  side-ways.  Virtue  consists 
not  in  avoiding  mistakes,  but  in  learning 
the  lessons  of  mistakes. 

My  painful  experience  taught  me  that 
happiness  does  not  consist  in  the  number 
of  eyes  a  man  has,  nor  in  the  size  of  his 
bank  account,  nor  in  the  number  of  friends 
he  has.  But  happiness  seems  to  consist  in 
the  state  of  his  mind.  To  be  happy  we 
don't  have  to  have  two  eyes  nor  five 
thousand  dollars,  nor  seven  faithful 
friends,  nor  even  good  health.  To  be  al- 
ways happy  we  need  only  to  change  our 
minds  and  get  some  of  our  crooked  notions 
straightened  out. 

While  lying  abed  with  nothing  to  do  but 
wait,  I  dictated  to  the  nurse  directions 


about  visiting  a  sick  man,  and  I  shall  in- 
sert those  directions  here.  But  verily  I 
say  unto  you,  seriously,  honestly  and  truth- 
fully, swelpme,  these  directions  were  not 
the  result  of  my  own  experience.  I  learn- 
ed them  "by  observation  when  I  was  a  boy 
in  Indiana. 

HOW  TO  VISIT  A  SICK  MAN 
In  order  to  do  a  sick  man  good  when 
you  visit  him,  you  must  know  how  to  do 
it  in  the  right  way. 

In  the  first  place,  ask  him  how  his  doctor 
is  treating  him,  and  then  tell  him  wherein 
the  doctor  is  treating  him  wrongly.  You 
are  your  brother's  keeper  and  it  is  your 
business  to  protect  him  from  all  harm.  By 
a  little  arguing  and  explaining,  you  may 
convince  him  that  he  is  liable  to  die  under 
such  treatment  as  he  is  getting.  You  may 
save  his  life  by  getting  him  to  drop  his 
present  doctor  and  send  for  yours.  Or, 
better  still,  tell  him  your  sure  and  favorite 
remedy.  You  know  what  cured  your  cous- 
in's neighbor,  and  so  you  know  what  will 
cure  your  friend.  Explain  your  treatment 
to  him  in  detail  so  he  will  know  the  whole 
tale  and  have  it  to  think  over  after  you 
are  gone. 

Remember  that  a  sick  man  has  no  rights 
that  you  are  bound  to  respect.  Do  not  let 
him  get  well  in  peace.  Stimulate  him  by 
stirring  up  some  sort  of  discontent  in  his 
mind. 


Before  you  leave  him  tell  him  the  story 
of  all  other  people  in  the  neighborhood 
who  are  affected  with  the  same  disease. 
Also  tell  him  of  those  who  have  died  with 
it.  And  describe  the  funerals,  telling  him 
how  many  carriages  were  in  the  procession 
and  how  many  flowers  they  had.  This 
information  will  cheer  up  your  patient, 
for  it  will  remind  him  of  the  beautiful 
funeral  his  own  corpse  would  make. 

If  you  know  any  interesting  news  about 
fights,  divorce  cases,  murder  trials,  house- 
burnings,  or  floods,  don't  forget  to  tell 
him.  Such  news  will  re-act  on  his  body 
and  help  the  disease  wonderfully. 

If  you  are  a  religious  man,  remind  him 
of  his  danger  of  hell-fire,  and  tell  him  he 
had  better  make  peace  with  God  before 
it  is  everlastingly  too  late.  If  you  are  a 
reformer  or  a  faddist,  do  not  fail  to  talk 
your  hobby.  You  will  succeed  much  better 
in  converting  him  to  your  theories  while 
he  is  negative  and  mentally  weak  and  dull. 
The  less  a  man  thinks,  the  more  easily  is 
he  converted  to  your  theories. 

Explain  to  him  that  the  world  is  out  of 
joint  and  that  justice  is  not  being  done. 
Tell  him  it  is  too  bad  that  such  good  man 
as  he  is  should  have  to  suffer  so.  Blame 
anything,  everything,  for  his  sickness  ex- 
cept the  man  himself.  Do  not  let  Mm  sus- 
pect that  his  suffering  is  the  result  of  any- 
thing that  he  has  ever  done. 

Visit  him  as  often  as  you  can  until  he 


is  out  of  danger,  and  then  you  can  attend 
to  your  own  business  with  a  clear  con- 
science for  having  done  all  you  knew  to 
help  your  friend  get  well. 

For  about  four  months  I  lay  in  bed  with 
my  eyes  closed,  the  sense  of  sight  being 
but  little  used.  My  ears  were  idle  most  of 
the  time,  so  the  second  most  important 
sense  was  inactive.  The  other  three  of  the 
five  senses  are  not  of  much  consequence 
while  lying  in  bed.  So  the  world  of  sense 
was  largely  obliterated  for  me.  I  lived  in 
another  world,  the  mental  world.  It  was 
a  happy  world.  Imagination  brought  to 
pass  whatever  I  wished  to  come  to  pass. 
I  could  be  anywhere  I  wished  to  be,  with 
anybody  I  wished  and  have  the  things 
happen  between  us  that  I  wished  to  have 
happen.  Everything  came  my  way  and  I 
had  some  splendid  times.  If  I  were  a 
writer,  I  could  write  some  interesting 
stories  about  what  happened  to  me,  in  vari- 
ous parts  of  the  earth,  while  lying  in  bed 
with  my  eyes  closed. 

I  think  we  would  better  enjoy  life  if 
our  bodies  were  dead  except  our  thinking 
apparatus.  Our  thoughts  could  then  run 
free  and  would  not  be  disturbed  by  sights 
and  sounds  and  other  sensations  that  are 
not  wholly  satisfying.  The  only  objec- 
tion I  see  to  such  life  would  be  the  diffi- 
culty of  communicating  our  thoughts  to 
others.  At  the  present  day  there  are  said 


to  be  three  methods  of  communicating 
thoughts.  If  a  person  has  some  thoughts 
that  he  wishes  to  disseminate  far  and 
wide  and  rapidly,  he  will  either  telephone, 
or  telegraph  or  tell-a-woman. 

But  there  is  also  another  way  of  trans- 
mitting thought,  tele-pathy.  Telepathy  re- 
quires neither  electricity  nor  wires,  nor 
women.  The  thought  is  transmitted  from 
mind  to  mind  like  wireless.  This  faculty 
ia  slightly  developed  in  a  few  people  to- 
day, and  in  a  few  hundred  thousand  years 
we  can  all  use  it.  And  then  we  will  find 
life  happier  by  killing  off  all  the  body  ex- 
cept the  brain.  But  by  that  time  some 
scientist  will  discover  a  method  of  think- 
ing without  brainsfand  the  brains,  too,  can 
go  to  the  bone  yard  along  with  the  rest 
of  the  physical  body.  And  then  we  can 
soar  around  in  space  on  the  wings  of  imag- 
ination, doing  as  we  please,  communicat- 
ing with  others  telepathically — all  the 
troubles  of  this  world  at  an  end. 

It  was  a  slight  shock  and  disappoint- 
ment to  me  to  get  well — the  duties  and 
responsibilities  of  life  to  be  shouldered.  If 
I  had  had  enough  money  to  live  on,  I 
would  have  liked  to  remain  in  bed,  living 
in  that  mental  world,  and  not  come  back 
to  this  open-eyed  world.  If  I  could  have 
hired  a  nurse  who  was  a  typewriter  and  a 
good  reader,  I  could  have  remained  the 
happiest  person  in  Los  Angeles,  since  Helen 
Keller  left.  She  has  lost  enough  of  her 


senses  to  become  a  very  happy  woman.  It 
seems  that  the  fewer  senses  we  have  the 
more  sense  we  have. 

I  do  not  mean  to  say  that  I  am  sorry  I 
got  well.  I  would  rather  be  well  than 
sick,  but  I  would  rather  be  sick  than  not 
be  at  all.  Sickness  does  not  necessarily 
prevent  one  from  being  happy.  After 
you  learn  the  trick  you  can  be  happy 
though  sick,  as  well  as  happy  though  mar- 
ried. And  by  learning  one  more  trick,  I 
suppose  we  could  learn  to  be  happy  though 
dead.  However,  I  can  not  speak  of  that 
from  personal  experience.  But  what  I  have 
told  you  in  this  story,  I  know  from  blind 
experience,  and  I  am  ready  to  swear  to  it. 


ANNOUNCEMENT 

As  I  can  find  time  I  shall  print  a  series 
of  booklets  dealing  with  Life  and  Free- 
dom and  Happiness  as  I  have  experienced 
them.  I  am  still  living.  Really. 

These  are  already  printed: 

"  Freedom  Hill,  the  Place  of  Evergreen 
Happiness. "  Tells  how  to  be  happy  tho' 
miserable. 

"Freedom  From  Fond  Friends."  How 
to  vaccinate  against  them. 

"Henry's  Glass  Eye  Story.'*  Gives  my 
experience  with  doctors,  healing  friends 
and  enjoying  sickness." 

The  others  to  be  printed,  one  every 
month  or  so: 

"Usefulness  of  Useless  Husbands." 
Cures  grass  widows'  sorrows. 

"My  Conceit  Machine."  Cures  enlarge- 
ment of  self-esteem. 

"The  Divinity  of  the  Devil."  Guaran- 
teed to  cure  devilishness. 

"Christian  Science  Soothing  Syrup." 
Beats  Mrs.  Winslow's  soothing  syrup. 

"How  to  Take  People  Without  Getting 
Hurt."  Better  than  Sloan's  liniment. 

Price  twenty-five  cents  a  dose.  And  if 
you  don't  find  them  good  medicine  for 
what  ails  you,  send  them  back  and  I  will 
return  your  cents,  accompanied  with  a 
prayer  that  your  eyes  might  be  opened  to 
see  the  beauty  of  ugliness,  the  goodness  of 
meanness,  the  divinity  of  the  devil. 


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